Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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