dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
