Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
