So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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