My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
