You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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