im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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