I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
