I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
