i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
