you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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