i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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