Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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