We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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