I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize