Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize
