my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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