So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He has the fingertips of a God
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