Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
