Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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