3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
wat bout pragnant strippers??
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dear god my vagina.
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