every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
