He asked to "fluff my boner.."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
