it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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