How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
