Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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