hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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