the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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