Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
