i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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