We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
