PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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