just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
