what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
