Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
