Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
