i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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