Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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