My friends, they love my intelligence
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize