i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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