My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize