I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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