I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
