So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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