Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
