his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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