my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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