Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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