It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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