I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
