I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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