Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
