she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
