last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
