OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
