I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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