I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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