Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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