Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
